2018 was the happiest year of my life (thus far). In a culture where we have to show our happiness all the time for fear of displaying failure, I can honestly say this has truly been one hell of a year for me. And not every moment was Instagram worthy. I still had a lot of failures this year both personal and professional.
This past year was a year of milestones. I got engaged. Planned a wedding. Completed a women’s mentorship program. Lost 25 pounds. Ran a marathon. And I’m excited about and proud of each of these accomplishments. Other things happened too. I decided to go back to school for a PhD and then realized it wasn’t a good financial decision. So I had to put that dream on hold. I have always loved reading the news and I pulled back on it because it was negatively affecting my mental health. I discovered a ton of food allergies and finally learned why I’ve spent so much of my life with hives, rashes and feeling sick. Most of all, many of my actions this year have been in preparation for what’s next.
Which is hard to celebrate most days. When you haven’t reached your goal but you’ve still made small progress is it worth celebrating? THE ANSWER TO THAT IS YES. And it’s very much something I’ve learned this year. Instant gratification isn’t always healthy.
Here are 5 other things I learned in 2018:
Tell people how you feel
I once dated a guy who would jokingly say “pretty girl seen, not heard” whenever I was speaking up about something he didn’t want to deal with. Clearly that relationship didn’t last, but the message was clear and took me years to unpack. Whether or not it was meant as a joke, my opinion wasn’t welcome. My thoughts, my feelings, my annoyances were not worth being shared. It’s 2018 people, what the actual f*ck?!
I have always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve but this year I’ve actively worked on sharing my other feelings and emotions. I throw around “I love yous” to everyone who has a place in my heart. I’ve worked really hard to build up the confidence to say “what you said or did hurt me” and then explain why and how we can move on from it. At the end of my life, I don’t want people to wonder what I felt. They should know every single day what they mean to me, how much I appreciated them, or be able to acknowledge how much we’ve grown. With social media, it’s so easy to keep our relationships at a surface level. I want to challenge that in every single way. When you know me, you have to deal with the whole me. The good, the bad, the ugly and I want the same transparencies from everyone in my life. We’re human. Not robots. Our emotions are real and valid and should be known. Don’t settle with surface level relationships. You deserve more.
You are allowed to change your mind
This year was the year I wanted to apply to PhD programs. I had registered for the GRE. I wrote my statement of purpose. I had a CV ready to go. And then I did some financial planning and really thought about what my life would look like as a full-time student. I had already told people that I was applying. I had asked my old professors for letters of recommendation. And I felt so guilty admitting that it wasn’t the right time personally or professionally. I read article after article and blog post after blog post about how much your life will change. How your relationship will be tested. And how much money you should have in your bank account to ensure your survival.
I took a step back and reflected on why it had to happen right now. And I couldn’t come up with anything other than I wanted to finish as soon as possible. With a wedding to pay for, a mountain of student loans and the start of a marriage, I didn’t want to have to worry about money ALL THE TIME. The fear of not accomplishing thing after thing is something I’m working on. What’s the rush? And how much happier could I be if I didn’t put so much pressure on myself to accomplish everything I want to do in my life before I’m 30 or 40 or 50. The best is yet to come and it’s important to live in each moment. Changing my mind was freeing. I’ve only had a dozen conversations about why I decided not to go and I welcome each one. Choosing emotional health over accomplishment should be something we celebrate, not feel guilty about.
Nurture your relationship with your body
This year my body went through a crazy transformation. I was not prepared for the emotional effects of dropping so much weight. Nothing fit the same. I didn’t like that I no longer had curves. I would look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back. I felt just as deflated as I looked. On one hand, I was proud of what I had accomplished and then the other side left me wishing I was my old self. It was by far one of the weirdest things I’ve ever experienced.
Putting on my wedding dress at the tailor almost brought me to tears. It just kind of hung on my body and I didn’t immediately feel beautiful. I felt sad. It was like the dress was bought for a completely different person. As the seamstress pinned away to reveal a shape, I tried to reframe my thoughts with positive self-talk. Losing weight was a result of eating healthier. I was no longer poisoning my body. I could do more. I was running faster. My body was different and it would take some getting used to. So I went to yoga to work on flexibility. I cooked and enjoyed the food I put into my body. I bought new clothes that fit well and made me feel beautiful. And I worked hard on not comparing myself to others. It’s something I’ll continue to work on next year.
Open yourself up to others
There’s something about living in the city and commuting on public transportation that can make you put up even more walls than before. It hardens your heart a little. I’m always surrounded by people. I take the same bus and train everyday. I see the same commuters along with me everyday. And I have never spoken a word to any of them. We stand and sit in silence, on our phones or with our books and ignore each other. And I don’t fully understand why. Same with elevators. I realized I never say “hello” or “goodmorning.”
We could go through almost our entire days without having a real conversation outside of work or with our partners. What are we afraid of? Rejection? Annoyance? I’ve made an effort this year to open myself up to more and talk to people. It sounds so simple, but for someone like me, I always question someone’s motives. Or if I doubt I’ll see them again, what’s the point? But we’re human. And we’re lonely. And we can learn something from everyone. At the very least, we might make someone smile. And that’s hugely important. Especially in adulthood.
Embrace the lessons
I’m slightly annoyed with myself because the first thing that comes to mind is the Miley Cyrus song “It’s the Climb.” You can stop reading right now. I totally understand. What I’m trying to say is that not everything you want to happen is going to turn out the way you want. You can’t control everything in your life and trying to is only going to negatively affect your outlook on your life and skew your personal satisfaction. You can’t control someone’s behavior, choices or actions. You will always be met with challenges. In the days where you feel like you’re fighting a losing battle, embrace the lessons in how you behave and how you’re working to overcome them. Learning how to maintain zest for life and finding happiness when you’re faced with obstacles is a bigger lesson than winning or losing. Embrace the space you’re in. Even when it’s messy and ugly and hard.
I wish we talked more about what we’ve learned and how we navigated through these challenges. With our inner circles we can vent and problem solve. But what about everyone else? My annoyance with the current social landscape is that all we see are the highlight reels. Not everything is fantastic. Not everything is exciting. Every moment of your life isn’t life-changingly beautiful and significant. But there are lessons in your life that others can benefit from hearing about. So let’s share them!
As we popped the champagne last night, my heart was bursting for everything to come in 2019. A new job. My wedding. A honeymoon. Teaching another college course. Becoming an aunt. Celebrating even more love between my friends and family. More lessons. More challenges. More disappointments.
Now that we’ve talked about it, can we make an effort to share a little more of ourselves with others? And build more meaningful connections. And tell people how we feel? And give less of a s*hit about our size and more about our relationships with our bodies? And make decisions and change our minds? And embrace the weird, the bad and the ugly parts of our lives as much as the good?
Cheers to your personal and professional growth, happiness and healing in 2019. I can’t f*cking wait to hear all about it!
